Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest

I went to see this over the weekend and totally enjoyed the swashbuckling yarn! I've not read any reviews (it's supposed to have been slammed by the critics), or read any of the usual pre-release movie gossip - being cut off from the internet for 5 months due to BT's continued cockups certainly does have it's drawbacks. But if you just want to go and enjoy yourself for 2 and a half hours and take yourself out of your everyday life then this is the film for you. I can't wait now for the sequel.

Definitely 10/10

This article appeared in the local cinema's movie magazine. I thought it was very funny when I read it out in the pub on Friday evening, imitating the Cornish yarn!

What's the Yarn?

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, Captain Jack Sparrow this way shall come. That's right, me hearties - inhale the salty air, feel the roll of the ship's bow, let the fresh sea breeze lick your face. It's been a long three years since The Curse of the Black Pearl, but Dead Man's Chest is finally here to treat us to another dose of supernatural, sea-faring intrigue.

Of course, this whole pirates theme is a subject very close to our hearts. We in Cornwall boast a long history of maritime antics, with tales of smugglers, pirates, pillaging and rum swilling. What a pirate epic they could set here, on our rugged shores.

Imagine it "Pirates of the Caribbean: Cornishman's Chest". Desperate to escape his blood debt, the fate of an eternal spit roast in hell, Captain Jack Sparrow consults a wise man for help.

"You must sail to the end of the earth and beyond, to the fair land of dreams.... Cornwall," the wise man mumbles.

"Cornwall?" Jack had heard tales of a wonderful faraway lang, but had dismissed them as fairytales. "Not the place where the rivers run with sweet mead and the legendary pasty grows on trees?" he asks, with wide, black-kohled eyes. "What are we waiting for?"

"Stop. If you are to escape eternal damnation you must pluck a hair from a Cornishman's chest and drink it down with a jug of mead. Then, like the fair people of Cornwall, you will be surrounded by sweetness and light, fluffy pastry in this life and after".

So Captain Jack sets sail for the faraway land of Cornwall. As the months pass, many treacherous obstacles cross our hero's path. Aside from Poseidon-esque waves and colossal sea serpents, Jack faces the hardiest test of a seaman, the sea sickness of the Scillies to Land's End crossing, not to mention the dive-bombing seagulls.

When he finally drops anchor in Mounts Bay, he rows to the shore of Penzance and clambers onto the rocks, his eyes shining in the dark Cornish night. Stumbling in his rum-fuelled haze, he falls into a hole. "Bu***er!" he drawls, staggering to his feet. Discovering he is in some kind of secret passageway, he wanders along it. Reaching the end, he finds himself amidst the heat, smoke and scrumpy-scented air or a tavern. The drinkers, with their salt-encrusted faces and the prized, steely hairs - cultivated after a lifetime's pasty munching - peeping from the edge of their smoocks, stop and stare at him. "Rock 'n' Roll! This must be the legendary Admiral Benbow!" Jack exclaims, leaning against the bar. Peering over, he frowns. "Where's the Rum?"

"No rum in 'ere, boy. It's scrumpy or mead."

"No rum? Better have some of this mead stuff then." He accepts a jug, oblivious to the Cornish discontent growing at this brazen newcomer.

"Not from round 'ere, are 'ee?" Long John Penberthy, a tall, robust local with a chest full of wiry red hair, asks.

"Pardon?" Jack says.

"What's wrong with 'ee? Can't 'ee speak proper?" Long John strides up to him, a menacing flame in his eye.

"I'm sorry, but who's 'ee?" Jack slurs. Long John swings for him. As he does, Jack grabs a bunch of chest hair and rips it with all his might.

Long John howls in pain. Stunned, the locals watch as Jack sprinkles the chest hair in his mead, and pours it down his throat. He stumbles back as the sweet mead hits him with a mighty blow. "Well, b***er me, I must be dead already, cause this Cornwall is heaven! ... Oooh, spank me, pirate boy!"

And so, having escaped the eternal spit roast in hell, Captain Jack sets said across the seven seas with the most precious bounty of all - enough pasties and mead to spread the word of Cornish greatness (and it's pastry and aphrodisiacs) around the world.

The End

by Beccy Matthews